I
If you live so long to see
the sweet-smelling
smiling young flowers
you grew up with
desiccate so far
past menopause
into musty-smelling
antique upholstery
you’ll have lived long enough
to have seen child actresses
grow into busty sex-toys
you felt uncomfortable
lusting after but soon
their skin stretched thin
over sharp-edged skulls
and if they’re lucky enough
to still be working
they’re the cruel,
conniving old witch
if you live long enough
you will behold many
such transformations
seeing how we all turn out
through degrees of adorable
across the spectrum into
foul nuisance
I wonder if
we’re meant to live
so long.
II
I think of my step-grandfather
one of the few adults
from my childhood
I miss
He should have died ten years
sooner than he had
having outlived three of his six
children, then his wife,
only to face long years sitting
in a diaper in a wheelchair
for a man used to getting up
and doing his own thing
throughout the day
being fed like a baby
from a small jar
for the last ten years
of his life must have made
him wonder if he was
already in Hell
I should have taken that lesson
to heart when our first cat became
incontinent and then one thing after
another for six more months
where he slept downstairs
away from the people
he’d shared beds with
almost all his life
I did not consider his loneliness
only that we couldn’t let him go
it’s the cruelest form of hoarding
especially when they have lived
long enough.
III
I’ve beheld the sad tales of men
I’ve known since my 20s
from the days when I counted
on drinking myself to death
before 30
we were closer than brothers
but they came to resent me
for my faithful wife
my smart and attractive children
worse, I was more talented
at the writing thing
none of this I asked for
I just happened to hold on
to what fell into my lap
they call me a Nazi
and other names
because a difference
in political opinions
makes for a better
excuse to rage
on someone than
resentment
they may have years
left with which to steep
in their bitterness
and I can say I’ve
lived long enough to see
hopeful, happy young men
gnarl into the angry
muttering old gnomes
I avoided
growing up.
IV
All the people I’d wanted to impress
with my poems and novels and stuff
left this Earth a long time ago
I have no idea who my audience is.
I’ve even outlived my country
in 2020 it became clear
our votes don’t matter
if we don’t vote correctly
and by that point
we were just relieved the mask was off
and we went about our business
as if nothing changed
because it really hadn’t
I only want to outlive my cats
if only because no one else can
or will take care of them
I’d rather they die with me beside them
than alone and old and starving
outdoors and wondering what
the hell happened to the old man.
It’ll just be me looking
out the window
onto an empty porch
the food bowls gone
long washed and left
with the thrift store
the litter boxes hauled to the landfill
and me not far behind
I will know by the emptiness
it is time
to find a light
to walk into
I will have lived long enough.
Find a light and walk into it. I'm not sure stopping for tacos is allowed, though.
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